Dilemma

Found out that I can only apply for 2 to 3 days of study leaves this coming June exam. Paid for the classes already. But too little time to study. Should I just continue with the class but postpone the exams? Or just risk the 70pounds and sit for the paper even though I do not have much confidence? Sigh! Dilemma~

A little bit of everything

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:
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:

Tired
Worried
Excited
Worried
Scared
Worried
Annoyed
Worried
Disappointed
Worried
Alone (sounds better than lonely :P)
Worried
Worried
Worried

Yala, basically I'm more to the worried side la. Too obvious dy!

I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,
I shall not emo,











WTF, feels like I don't even have the right to emo whenever I like. To hell with freedom of speech!

Brokeville

I visit Brokeville more than any friends around me. Sigh. No fun! If only Brokeville would blacklist me from going there. Ban me from there. Never ever allow me to enter anymore. This is not happening. *slaps* Wake up Hun! Stop dreaming and clean up the mess in Brokeville!

Whoever Listens To Themselves?

I shall not whine.... I shall not whine........... I shall not whine............... I shall not whine.... at least not here.......


Since when did I ever listen to myself? WTF! Life is a chore that I don't enjoy doing. A lil push is needed at times. But push too hard and bare the risk of breaking me up. Fragile? No. Delicate is more like it. Nobody does the pushing better than oneself. But who the hell likes to push themselves? Not me alright. So, here I lay dead for days or even weeks doing almost nothing every single day. Soulless. Don't think anyone could understand if you have not experienced it yourself. You may think you do, but I assure you that you don't. I only plan to fail, so I fail with pride -_-" Negative vibes surrounding me.

Speak my language if anyone wants to talk. I speak a language of my own. Don't even try to open your mouth if you can't. Be invisible if you must. If anyone of us doesn't worth anybody's time, don't mention it. Just disappear!


Gastric.Insomnia.Discouraged.Down. For about TWO fucking weeks already! I should eat. Bye!

Pathetic Gila Babi!

Walaueh, I think I'm shopping deprived now! It's so serious that I browse through online shops and blogs almost everyday now. I don't even want to study anymore. Alright, that is just an excuse and I memang don't want to study already coz it makes me sick. So sick that I want to vomit only by looking at the notes :(

Anyways, I find myself very pathetic shopping online coz shopping physically shops in real life is trillions times more fun than this. But just because I have not been getting any allowance since I don't even remember how long already a.k.a no extra money to waste, and I'm too guilty to go out from the house since I have not been studying much these few days, I end up solely browsing and LOOKING through the web and admire how thin those girls are and how nice they look wearing the clothes and bringing those bags. Why don't God make us all the same size?! Yea, WTF!

When I'm bored with looking at local girls and local products, I surfed for overseas branded stuffs -_-"

I am pathetic sungguh! Sigh~

MIA, That's Me

Sorry for MIA for some time. Truth is, I'm coping very well since the departure of Spicy-B to the land far far away for another year. I didn't feel like talking, socializing or even blog about anything. I've been very emotional (will not go into details what happened) and I still am. Ugh. I serious hate LDR! I'm lost of words to express myself. Keeping quiet might be the best thing for me for the moment. Some feelings and thought are better to be kept for myself.

*******************

Went to submit ACCA examination fee today then head to Mid Valley with a man who suddenly has saggy breasts and a bunch of people whom I enjoy crapping with :) I shall threaten that man first before blogging about it. Hehe. My dear friend, this is what you'll get for trying to embarrass me in the shopping mall. Beg me to not publish you photo! :P Never mess with girls ok! Most importantly, never mess with me! Haha.

Unwell

What can stress do to a person?

You get headaches. Real bad ones.

Your gums which stopped bleeding, starts to bleed again. Sigh.

Your mind gets so tired that you can't think much or react much.

You feel like you're about to vomit almost every seconds of the day.

You're stress coz you think too much. But then, you think even more when you're stressed.

You feel lousy. Plain lousy.

You can't do much of anything.

You don't crave for food. It only makes you want to vomit.

Fever-ish all the time.

Bad dreams just keep haunting you. Those people just can't leave your mind alone in dreams or reality.

You have irregular periods and PMS.


I'm having all that. Not too sure if it's due to stress. But I believe so.

Repeating Nightmares Almost Every Night!

Can you remember all your dreams? I'm sure some of you can, while there are some just like me. I can't remember my dreams well but I subconsciously know roughly what happened. I know whether it's a sweet dream or if it's a nightmare. But if you ask me the story line, I couldn't tell you a thing of it. But I will feel like I know but I actually don't. It's like I know but I couldn't put it in words or in drawings? I just know but not clearly know. Gosh, I hope you get what I am trying to say coz I am a little lost here.

I had a few, let's call it bad dreamS (plural) instead of nightmares coz it doesn't involve ghost or devil although the female character in my dreams were somehow like one to me -_-" I had been having almost the same bad dreams I think. Maybe not the same story line. But it involved the same persons. And it's about the same things. When I woke up, I felt like I cried. Maybe I cried in the dreams. Maybe I cried for real and stopped just moments before I woke up.

Oh well, I guess it's all due to stress that I give to myself. I hate too much. That's why they haunt me like there's no tomorrow. I hate directly and also subconsciously. I'm in a very serious state.



Can I turn back the time and relive my life as an innocent child with no worries and filled with nothing but sincere love from everyone around? Not that I don't like myself now. It's just that I prefer how I used to be. I seldom have nightmares when I was younger. Anyways, how does dreams work? Will reality be exactly like what we dreamt? Or will it be opposite?

I Was Bullied By A China Bitch From Singapore

I hate China woman! I really do! Not all, but some. I hate! I hate! I F**ckin hate her!!

I went to work for this Beauty Fair or something in PWTC yesterday for this company selling some vest thingy (I shall not reveal the name) all the way from Singapore. This Singaporean boss of mine is actually a China man. He brought a Singaporean sales girl woman with him to help him out with the sales. This particular bitch woman is actually a China woman bitch! She is one rude bitch I tell you! Not saying that I'm very polite or have good manners but if compared to her, I'm like an angel :P Serious. Anyhow, I have nothing against Singaporean. Those are China man and bitch.

That bitch was no friendly one. Never said hi or smile to me from the start. Being a "senior" there does give her the power to belittle me and my effort to do the job right, or so she thinks. The commissions from the sales must be very important to her from the way she does her sales. Very hard sell wey! She pushes and elbow people around, those that are just not interested with the product that we were selling. Those victims would glare at her in return but she could pretend like she sees nothing and put up a fake smile to the other potential buyers. The fake smile has been plastered at her face the whole time from the minute she start selling.

That bitch only speaks mandarin. Customers who said conversed in Cantonese and English, very naturally I was the one who served them. The worst is whenever I was about the get them to buy the product, she pushed me away and gave me a fierce stare! Bitch! Then when the customer asked me something, she gave me another shot of the fierce tigress stare and asked me to go away and serve other customers instead! Double bitch! So not motivated to work. Not like I care about the commission. Take all the commissions that she wants. Like I care -_-" It's only a few Ringgit, she can have it if she asked properly.

Did I mention I only went to the toilet ONCE there, from 10am to 6pm?! And I stood there the whole time from 10am to 6pm. I did not get to sit to rest my bum at all! When it was supposed to be lunch break, dear boss asked me to buy something for that bitch and him. No big deal, so I agreed. I got a lost for a while in the building, couldn't find the exit. I found that it was raining out there when I finally made my way out. So, no food for me and the others as I couldn't cross the road to the other side to buy food. The boss asked me to go back to the booth. When I went back, he complained that I was out for more than an hour! Untrue! I think it was less than 15minutes, alright?! The girl from the next booth asked me why I didn't get to take any lunch break. Even she did not notice that I went out for "lunch"! She thought I was away for toilet break.

There, no lunch for me while they happily eat their bread. God knows where they get that. I stood there till I had backache. Those China people really bully me like hell! That bitch made me look like I did not do my job coz the sales list comprised almost fully her name. There was only ONE line with my name there and that's because the Indian customer could not speak Chinese at all. The China man boss gave me the look as though I did not work hard enough.

Hey, China man and China woman! Please appreciate that I helped you guys out as I know it's not easy for you guys to find local helpers. I went to work despite of the laziness in me. I know what responsibility is. I did not go there to be bullied like this. I do know how to differentiate between a tough job and being bullied. And what happened was bullying.

My family and HungryJess asked me not to work anymore. I did not want to also. My salary, they can keep it to buy poison to kill each other or something. I am so not interested. I forgot to mention that I stood at the KTM station for two more hours and reached home almost to 9pm!!

I wanted to send an SMS to the boss telling him I couldn't make it to work today. But so happen that the phone message setting went crazy the moment I wanted to send the message out. Too bad for them. Too bad for me too as I couldn't receive any SMS or send any SMS out anymore. Bummer! Faith, I guess.

Now, you tell me, she BITCH-FYING or not??!!!!

I Hate Today

I had one of the most crappy day in my life! The work sucks, the people sucks big time, the environment sucks! There are really bichy-fying people around. I do hate!


Luckily there are some who can be so comforting. Thanks!

Hide That Feeling Of Yours!

Emo. Emo. Emo.

Yikes. I realised I've been very emotional nowadays. I think it started few months back. Gosh, I do not like this at all. Every little detail. Every little comment. Every little thing people do and not do. Every little action. It all hit straight to the heart without going through the brain. It hit so hard and it hurts so bad that you just have to hold back your tears every time. That sucks big time!

I used to be very independent emotionally. I am able to keep things strictly to myself and put a smile on my face even when I am not happy. I don't cry that much. To some, I might seem like a stone-hearted person and is very hard to please. I do think so about myself too. But I like it that way! I like to feel like I'm in control of things. I prefer being able to control my feelings and not get emo so easily. But I guess things do change as we grow old. OK, maybe that's not the reason. Maybe I'm just in a mess right now. But I do need to put the blame somewhere or on something, don't I? I chose age as my victim, so just accept it that way.

Getting old makes me take every single thing personally. Small matters that I would not even been bothered previously gets to my nerves so badly now. Things that are actually not a big deal, feels like a huge deal to me nowadays. It feels so bad to be out of control of my own feelings. Tears drop like nobody's business. I have no idea where all the tears came from. Must have been the water retention in the body -_-" Worse of all, the feeling stays for days, weeks and sometimes even months. Sometimes when I think I'm able to let it go already, I can still feel the poke in the heart when someone mention a word that I can simply relate to what I've been emo about. Yeerrrr, I've become so damn sensitive lar.. Yucks! I feel like a weak person. Me no like! Me no like!!

Being emotionally weak doesn't mean I'm easy to please now. I am still very hard to please :P I hope to change things back to how it used to be. I feel safer in a way to be in control of my emotions. One thing that hasn't change that much is the way I still try to control myself and keep things to myself. I fail terribly in hiding it from people though. Sigh. Failure.

Pak Lah, You Want Me To Be A Beggar??

Pak Lah, why the surprise wey?? You announce to the public that you're going to hike up the fuel price to RM2.70 by midnight? I thought the initial plan was to implement it in August. You bloody shocked the drivers in Malaysia with such increase in price. There was no warning or whatsoever.

I seriously don't get what the government is trying to do. First they ask us to car pool in order to reduce traffic congestion, it is more environmental friendly, yada yada yada. Then you implement the seat belts thingy for back seaters. Both objectives contradict each other lar. The seat belts behind will only limit the number of people that can fit into a car. How many people can you tumpang now?? This indirectly is forcing more to own a car, which then increase the number of vehicles on the road. See lar, that time jam till you die! After that still want to shock us all with the increase in electricity price! Increase this, increase that, increase inflation rate, but I don't see there's any increase in salaries. I wonder how they expect their citizens to survive in this condition. Of course they talk about a change in lifestyle. So now we have to eat grass, take bath only once a week, walk to everywhere (Malaysia's public transport really tak boleh pakai!), work only to pay bills, and kill ourselves when we can't take it anymore?!

Although I am not a driver, but this is affecting EVERYONE including me! You wouldn't know or even understand how I suffer due to this. Seriously, if the government wants to do something like this, they should have detailed planning and better alternatives for the public, unlike now. Pak Lah, please do something before you read the increase in suicide rate in Malaysia in the newspapers.

Maybe I should get a sleeping bag. Then I could camp wherever I am on the road side. I won't need to pay bill, bathe or even own a house. I might be mistaken as a beggar and get some $$ out of it. Not bad! -_-"


Pak Lah, you get what I'm trying to say here??

Woman, You Pay Me Back Is It??

KidCheng woke me up with a call this morning. Informing me that the woman in the School of Business Studies in my college, ex-college to be more accurate, told her that my ACCA examination docket has not arrived. According to that woman in charge *see, I'm so good. I don't state your name here while I bitch complaint about you* there are still some dockets not sent to them yet. When asked about roughly the date to collect it, my sister was told that they do not know because it is from U.K and not Malaysia. For God's sake, couldn't she come up with a more comforting and yet information-usable type of answer? My first paper will be on the 10th this month!!! Some of my friends are even sitting their first papers on the 5th, which is like, tomorrow??!! Today is already the 4th. How am I supposed to sit for exam without the dockets? Woman, are you going to pay me back the expensive fees? ACCA is a money-sucking association, that's what they are! ACCA, the major fault is on you. Receive money already never do your job properly. Very funny is it??? Talk about efficiency, you are nowhere near that alright?!

When I heard about all these, I was like $%%^(!@#*&^**!!! Fine, I'm lying. I was pissed and I almost cried. Such an unpleasant surprise :(

Luckily, later on found out that I could download the docket online *yay* and FairYan volunteered to print it out for me :) It must be the I'mWorriedAndI'mGoingToCryAnytimeSoon SMS that left her no choice but to help me :P Thanks, darl!


Disclaimer: I know it is my fault also for not collecting it earlier. But even if I do so there won't be any dockets there for me to collect, isn't it? -_-

Malufying

I embarrassed myself today! Accidentally sent an SMS to HungryJess's mom when I actually wanted to send to HungryJess instead T__T Something to do with armpit, some product and I even mentioned a name in the SMS! Damn, I can hide no more. I bet her mom knows that was from me. Ugh* No details on the content of the message though. It is just too malufying!! This post will serve as a reminder to myself to not simply press too fast on buttons.

A big thank you to BigJeff to make the effort to get some things for me from college. It's nice to have friends staying near! I'm blessed! Haha :P As usual, he commented on how I looked like. My swollen, puffy eyes shocked him for awhile. Oh well, let's just I have been pretty emotional these few days and nights. Oh yeah, he mentioned Big Five! Haha. HungryJess, if you don't stop eating 4 meals a day BigJeff will recruit you into the Big Four community and make it into a Big Five! Kekekeke*

I got to know of a joke by EatAllYouCanShung. Closely related to National Geographic. The joke was not on National Geographic but it was on me! *ROaRRRR** Such a mean boyfriend! *cough* My sister's :P

Another random matter. My Twitter has somehow become a girls' guide to happiness. LOL. Warranties not provided if your man breaks your heart. It's partly of things I did and did not do but of which I should actually do. Girls are not THAT simple you know?!

I Need A Bear

A short post before I hit the sack.


I've been so used to expressing myself here, I get kinda lost now since I no longer can do that anymore. I couldn't yet find a place to rant my heart out without being judged. Keeping things in can sometimes be so hard because of all the stress and heartache that it cause, but that's the way how things work. Or perhaps, that's how things should work. I tried to shut my mouth for so many times but sometimes I just do the opposite and regret thereafter. Too many thoughts, too many questions, too many of everything. Silly thoughts that I have should always be kept to myself and not others. It is better that way coz people might think you're plain crazy when you tell them. Self esteem is not and was never at high peak. I'm just a girl with too many pathetic thoughts. You can call that as creative if you want. A bear to hug, weep and to talk to might be the best thing a girl like me need.

One should do what they vowed to do. I shall not talk or listen too much to too many things. I'm buying a bear when I get my next allowance, which would be a few more months to go when class starts. HungryJess, few hours of phone porridge just doesn't work its magic anymore. It's just not enough. But I'm glad we had that.


Goodnight.

Happy. No?

I miss the happy me. I sooo wanna be happy again.

BigJeff wonders what happened to me when we chatted online just now. According to him, I sound like I'm angry. OK, I fail at faking it. Failure. I wish people give out certs for failing coz I'm sure not getting one from ACCA. Then I bet my house will filled with my certs.

Hmmm... I wonder is Juan coming back this year. No news from her for a very long time already =S

I'm craving for Japanese food now. Again, sucks coz I can't get it now. Ugh, can I fast forward my life to the day I'm lying in the coffin?

Bruised And Trashed

Pinched by a ghost while I sleep? I wonder where did I get that from. No ouch, no nothing. Maybe I'm just too numb to feel anything now.



Looks like I'm prone to bruises. One after another.




Life hasn't been that great lately. A tiring week I must say.

Trashed. Swollen, puffy eyes with dark eye circles. Bruised in so many ways. Mentally exhausted. Anger. Hatred. Unproductive. Inefficient. Insufficient. OK, my life is real sad.


Trashed like nobody's biz


I need to practice my faking skills now- I'm a happy jolly girl. Life is great and filled with wonderful people. Everything has been sweet. I love everyone. I even love all friends' friends. Nothing pisses me off coz I can only see positive lovely things. Done!

I'm getting good at it. It just a matter of time to be able to do it without people around you realize that you're faking it. Hmm, maybe by then I won't be able to differentiate what's true and what's not. Practice does make perfect. I'm so numb saying "Sorry", "My fault", "My wrong" now. Proven. In life, you will come to a point where right or wrong does not matter anymore coz you will be made wrong even when you're not. And it is so damn potong steam to talk halfway and be left with no choice but to continue the next time coz it so fucking kacau my momentum to speak!

I've been feeding too much on Friendster, Facebook, MSN and SMS lately. Think I'm getting sick and tired of it. I shall seek for other entertainment now.

Goodnight.

Current

Towards two totally different person who is very much related.

Person #1,





Person #2,

Don't Hate Me Coz........

I'm foolish and I'm stupid. OK, I'm more to the stupid side. Yes, I'm stupid. I'm stupid and I'm sleepy. I'm plain foolish, stupid and sleepy.